She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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