I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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