did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
