If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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