The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
