Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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