Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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