There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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