I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
