if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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