i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
