Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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