i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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