fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
