so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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