Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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