i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
