i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
