you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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