Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
