just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
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And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
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There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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