when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
