I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
