last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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