I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i wish my penis had a tongue
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
