when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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