Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
