1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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