i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
