Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
