I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
