Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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