nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
