Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
