I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
