On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
