I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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