I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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