trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
