does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Less talking, more tequila
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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