fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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