So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
