I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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