I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
