So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
