So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
