I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
