Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
