How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
