Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
this boner is exhausting
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
