Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
