Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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