why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
