I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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