Michael Bay diarrhea
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
