ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
