just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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