I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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