When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
